Resisting the Journey

Years ago, when my youngest son was three, his preschool teacher (aptly named Angelica) let us know she felt he needed extra help, extra care.  He wasn't behaving as the other children were.

It's a sobering moment for a parent.  But Angelica was so loving and interested in finding the best way for him, we followed her lead.  A lead that took us to testing, diagnosis, labels, IEP's (Independent Educational Programs  - through the public school system), a lot of talk, and assessments and to my mind, much misunderstanding of him. 

To me he was wonderful - not because he behaved and cooperated as he was supposed to, necessarily.  His perfection was his beautiful intelligence, the kind of intelligence that shines through the eyes of us all.  Let's call it divine intelligence - in order to delineate it from the academic or intellectual kind - the intelligence that moves us (in a meaningful way through life) and is moving.

We followed the guidance given but debated the reality of something being wrong with him .  He went to a special preschool and then to a "blended" kindergarten where the children were both typically developing and not so typical.  I was often conflicted about special programs and always anticipated him integrating into "normal" classrooms.

But kindergarten was a rough year.  There were so many times that if I had just slowed down, slowed down my thinking, my breathing, and listened to who I am,  I would have admitted the environment was all wrong for him.
I didn't feel equipped to face the unknown, to support him in finding his own way. Looking back, I see I was given many loud and obvious cues as to the journey I needed to take to be in alignment with my own thoughts and understanding of my son.  But I was too frightened to take it.  I resisted the journey.  So I remained conflicted and so has he.

Years later, I see the progress (and there is a lot) and I see  the struggle he still carries, and I finally can get quiet enough to feel my willingness to take ANY journey that might best serve him.  And it leads me to wonder if perhaps there are other journeys I am resisting -  journeys summoned by my  knowing, my own truth, that call my name and won't stop.

Is there a journey you are resisting?

Much Love,
Jennifer