I have been getting bent out of shape lately - seemingly twisted up and worked over by outside forces.  I've been telling myself stories about trying to do this or trying to do that - trying to get such and such straightened out, or this planned or taken care of.  And all of this mental activity is like a mallet tapping on a piece of metal over and over in my head.  Until I finally snap at somebody,  throw up the white flag of "overwhelm", or silently complain to myself about how impossible it is. 

But then for a moment I found myself aware of the hype.  There is an experience and then there's the hype I create around it.  So I became aware of my own hype.  And in becoming aware, relief from the tapping started to occur.    And then I started understanding what I really wanted.  And, interestingly, it wasn't just to be done with my "problems". 

As it turns out, there were unowned strengths and abilities in me from which I wanted to act.  Each situation with which I was faced called for me to step into my power in a way I was resisting but actually wanted.  So the question I need to ask isn't "How do I make this stop?  it's "Who and how do I want to be and can I allow the challenge to serve as an opportunity for bringing that forward?"

Within these gaps in the hype emerge the TRUE headlines, the true news about ourselves and what qualities we're wanting to embrace - but have thus far resisted.  And that's the real story.

I say I'm at the "bottom of the pond"  when I'm sad.  It's a phrase I think  I made up (though I may have picked it up somewhere).  The other day I happened to be at the bottom of the pond and this is what occurred to me.

In thinking of things I love - to buoy my spirits - I thought of the sunroom - a room connected to my childhood bedroom by french doors .   Other than an old braided rug and a short, pine bookcase filled with stuffed animals, the room was empty.   But still, every Spring, with a sense of ceremony and import,  I would throw open the french doors and a window or two and sit on the floor in there and make something - a drawing, a craft project, a card.

The sunroom seemed special and I perceived it as one might a vacation home.  There was nothing in that room but what I brought to it and it was my favorite place. My bedroom was like my sanctuary and sometimes a place to hide, but the sunroom was like a vantage point from which I  felt I could look out and love the world. 

The bottom of the pond- the way I use it - really just indicates my current chosen vantage point for looking at life; it's not an actual place - nowhere I've been made to go.   And the sunroom, though an actual place,  also just represents another way of seeing things.    Sadness and Happiness do do not land on us, delivered by unfortunate or joyous events.  They only indicate through which eyes we're seeing life - the eyes of love or the eyes of fear.

I fell in love with the sunroom because it seemed to make me feel good.  But in actuality, it had no power other than that which I gave it; I used it to help me remember how I could see things if I chose.  And how I can now - whether (temporarily) at the bottom of the pond or not.

The other night I dreamt I was driving a car whose brakes stopped working.  I am at the steering wheel; my husband is in the passenger seat. I manage to maneuver through a fairly heavily trafficked area.  I reach for the hand break to slow us down, but it pulls out-wires exposed and broken.  I go on to drive  brilliantly,slowing the car gradually with my clever manipulations, finally pulling safely into a back alley.

 I am fascinated by how absolutely capable I felt in this dream.  Nerve-wracking challenges - and I handled them beautifully.  I find this refreshing.  And not because I usually bumble through and fall apart before challenges. I consider myself capable. However, there's some fine print on that .  Though I am willing to admit capability, there's no gusto behind it.  No go-get-em-tiger behind the knowing that I am made of something (like everyone) that can work with anything and thrive. 

The way I've currently got my psyche arranged is: I think I am capable, I even know it, but I am not living from that truth.  I've got the net, but I'm refusing to jump.

I have a friend who was once on a road trip by herself and saw the most vivid rainbow.  As she looked on, it appeared to be landing right on her car and she thought, "I am the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow".

How nice to think it, how great to know it, and how much better to trust and live boldly and securely from that truth.