When I sit down at my desk to start my day and my work, sometimes I am overcome by a drowning feeling of rejection. But what I am actually experiencing is not some truth-filled hardship I must bear, but a reminder of an old affront to myself, a previous act of self-rejection.
I had a mental list of grievances against myself as a child and I thought people's temperaments were like eye color-fixed. So if you were lucky, you were a fearless-type person. Unlucky, you were a frightened-type person (which I thought I was). I didn't understand the myriad of choices involved in creating one's experience. And I didn't understand I had a choice in deciding how I saw myself.
I painted a picture of me I didn't like and then did all I could to outrun it, all the while colluding in its creation.
And so, here I sit at my desk, a new moment before me. This moment was given me because I deserve it. Everyone deserves the chance to change their minds about themselves, about their lives; be certain and confident of the essential good that never changes within, understand, accept and cradle the morphing aspect of feelings, thoughts, and behavior. Neither the person I wanted to be nor the life I wanted to lead could be built upon a foundation of rejection; it must all be built upon love.
There is nothing to outrun, nothing to escape, nothing to reject. The choice is always what to embrace.
4/27/2011 05:06:26 am
I just wrote a post how I am both the child who sings and the parent who rejects her song. I so understand the picture you draw and the words you write. I am changing my mind to build on love, on what has always been in my heart to do, and be aware of the inner-parent who rejects, and as Laura Munson says of her "Sheila" love her into submission.
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From the Inside