I am beginning to understand just how tied to outcomes I've been in my life. Previously, I saw myself as balanced in that regard - striving to do what I want and not feeling overly tied to how my choices turned out. Well, new realization: that was BALONEY.
I used to think my slow decision-making process (some might perceive as indecision) was taking the time to tune-in and know what is really right for me - not what other people might want me to do, or what I "should" do, but what I actually want to do. And, to my credit, some of it is. But after a time, when the process starts feeling taxing, it turns out that tuning-in part ends and my busy, worried mind takes over and simply goes into overdrive trying to psyche out what the outcome will be.
But there's no knowing what will be and so the process of trying to "know" in order to make a "right" decision only leads to insecurity.
To thrive, I'm going to have to give up my habit of trying to know what will happen, return to the only thing I can know (what feels right to me and what I want to do right now) and move on. Growth doesn't occur through external control. One plants a seed, waters, and waits. No amount of manipulation will do anything but disturb the natural process and integrity of what is to come.
Freedom doesn't come from doing something in order to secure a certain outcome, nor does it come from trying to escape anything. Freedom is a state of being in which the heart leads, the mind serves, and life naturally unfolds from that point of grace within ourselves in which we, like a seed, are compelled to reach up and out and break new ground. No particular outcome guaranteed - no particular outcome needed.
From the Inside